In the months before our wedding, my husband and I were asked one question repeatedly. It wasn’t about the dress code or food; it wasn’t from a long-lost love about whether we wanted to reconsider our decision. It was: Will the dogs be there?

If there are some people in life who seem to have a singular personality trait (“into astrology,” “still obsessed with ‘Succession’”) — ours is that we love our dogs. So it came as a shock to all that no, they would not be attending the wedding.

It was hard to convince our friends and family that we left our shy dogs out of the day not because we’d hardened our hearts to them, but in fact because we love them. This is in part because it is increasingly common to include dogs in human-centered activities. Weddings, yes, but also daily pursuits like shopping or getting a coffee. A chain of movie theaters made headlines recently for offering dog-friendly movie screenings; there are restaurants with dog-specific menus, and breweries that will bring a bowl of water and dog treats to your table.

While these little bits of canine inclusiveness tend to anger anti-dog curmudgeons, they make sense to me. Companion animals are rightfully considered part of the family to many. It’s understandable that a person might want to spend time with their dog doing the activities that person enjoys. But dogs are individuals, and each has their own set of needs and boundaries. It is worth considering, before you take off for a pint at the dog-friendly bar, whether that activity will also be enjoyable for your particular sweet pup.

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One reason a guardian might decide to bring their dog along with them is because they feel uneasy about leaving them home alone. Alexandra Horowitz, director of the Dog Cognition Lab at Barnard College, told me over email that this concern is valid. “Most dogs are distressed at some level by being left at home,” she says, for the reasons you might suspect — they’re alone, they don’t have anything to do, and they don’t know when the situation will change.

“Dogs are captive to us, in a very real way,” Horowitz says. “The world opens up for them when we’re around — and can take them out, play with them, feed them, take them to socialize or run — and it closes for them when we’re not.” (This is especially true if they’re crated when alone.) Because of this, it’s helpful to consider their point of view, and adjust your actions accordingly; maybe working in small increments to get them used to your absence and limiting your time away from them.

That doesn’t necessarily mean bringing them along with you is the better option, though; at least not with every dog, or in every circumstance. Horowitz says when considering whether to bring your dog with you to a space made for humans, you should think more about the dog than the space. “I cannot ask my squirrel-obsessed puppy to sit still in Central Park,” she says, “and neither would I expect her to be able to sit still for long periods at an outdoor cafe.” Similarly, a dog who is sensitive to noise would likely have trouble in a loud environment, and a shy dog would not be comfortable in a place where she’ll be approached by strangers.

But how can you tell what your dog is and isn’t okay with? Jenny Efimova, dog trainer and founder of Dogminded, says it’s helpful to first observe your dog in a setting where you know they’re comfortable — you’ll likely see relaxed muscles, a relaxed face, a softly wagging tail. Pay attention to the situations that cause that body language to change. You might notice pinned back ears, tense muscles, panting for seemingly no reason, barking or growling, and pulling on their leash.

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“Dogs are really good at letting us know how they’re feeling,” Efimova says. “But we tend to view behavior through a lens of convenience for us.” It’s important not to misinterpret signs of distress as “bad” behavior, or set your dog up to fail. If they’re whining and pulling on their leash while you’re trying to have a leisurely brunch, it’s not likely that they’re trying to ruin your outing; they’re attempting to communicate their needs.

It’s important, too, not to rely on aversive tools, like shock collars, to attempt to control your dog’s behavior to keep them in these situations. “I know some people feel like these methods help open the dog’s world,” Efimova says, “but if the dog doesn’t like something, it’s not actually to their benefit to be in that environment.” I know it sounds obvious, but it doesn’t add anything to your dog’s life to force them to endure a situation that causes them stress — even if it’s a very cool bar, and all your friends’ dogs are there, too.

In some situations, it might just be better for your particular dog to rest at home rather than join you in an activity. But even better than that is to find something you both enjoy. This might mean taking a leisurely, sniff-filled walk, going to the beach, taking a hike or scheduling a play date with a doggy friend they’re comfortable with. “Life is too short, and our dogs’ lives are way too short,” Efimova said. “So the more things we can do together that make our dogs happy, and make us happy, the better.”

So, although we would have liked to have them at our wedding, our dogs stayed back at a nearby hotel. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but because they can handle alone time, it was the better option for them. (And I don’t think they minded missing out on an event in an unfamiliar space packed with human strangers.) The next morning we all went on a long, sniffy walk.

Kelly Conaboy is a writer in New York who covers dogs, culture and dog culture.

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